Portland- The Incredible Journey Part I

There are times when you need a vacation. I get that. And there are times when you think you are going to have to cancel vacation plans, but your friends, family, and peers beg you to go forth. Believe me I am thankful that I had those people push me towards escaping my routine. If I were to write a novel about how routine my life would be I am sure I could Go Green by being able to put it in a leaflet and hope people would take time time to drudge through the three to four hundred words that define consistency.  

On Monday, March 21, 2011 I boarded a plane towards Portland, Oregon and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  If you are a follower of my blog, (and I am grateful for each and every one of you), it has been said from time to time that I have got my poop in a group and took charge of my health.  There was some kernel of destiny wrapped up in this vacation because the three people I went to see are very active. I was able to spend quite a bit if time with Jonny, Sara, and Dave. I would have love to have had the opportunity to see Allie, but we had conflicting plans.  I do not see the downside to not meeting up with my fourth friend. Now I have even more reasons to make a return visit to what is deemed P-Town. 

I must admit that my once-over of the weather forecast at Denver International Airport did not get me pumped up when I saw rain in the forecast everyday.  It is not a typical rain in Portland, it rains, but you don't really grow weary of it.  I have a notion that it has to do with how illuminated the scenery becomes with the slightest kisses of ultra violet light.  


Staying put was short lived. I think I was on the ground for just over an hour before plans to show me the area were set in motion.  Most people hop in cars and drive to a scenic place.  P-Town has AMAZING bike trails, and bike lanes.  Jonny and Dave made some adjustments to a road bike they had for me to use and we were off.  Before I knew it we were five miles across town and began hiking up Powell Butte, which is a pretty good 614 ft butte that has a beautiful trail leading up to the top. Here are a couple photos of Dave and Jonny as we began our climb. 

Dave posing for the hike.

Jonny evaluating the trail

Once we made it to the top words cannot describe how awesome of a feeling that came over me. During the climb I kept wondering when the trial would end, but there was something that kept driving me keep on moving forward. I knew that the further I went the more I would appreciate my accomplishment.  Dave and Jonny both told me that they knew it was worth the effort and I would be pleased when I came to realize what goes up must come down. Going down was amazing! Did I mention this is the first time I have ever piloted a Road Bike? I think that I might be in love and my Mountain Bike might be finding a new home. 

When we got to the top we saw this:  

It may not look like much but that is overlooking part of the city and we climbed that baby pretty swiftly.  Next we hopped on those bikes and soared down the paved trails to the bottom of the butte.  There were times when we had to be going in excess of 35 miles per hour down the slopes. We were not only coasting, but we also pumped the pedals. Jonny probably hit those top speeds, while I used caution because of the unfamiliar territory, and Dave played it safe with only one working break that needed adjusting when we returned home.  


This was day one of an amazing experience I cannot wait to post the pictures of some amazing nature, landscapes, and areas that made me repeat the phrase, "This is awesome!," like a bumbling idiot.  Looking at the pictures below; ask yourself if the guy on the top could have enjoyed such a physically demanding, but spiritually rewarding getaway? I will leave you with said pictures until tomorrow when more will be available.

I can't find any pictures of me when I was bigger, but I was a hefty boy in 2010

Here is a picture of me standing atop Multnomah Falls, which is the second highest year-round waterfall in the nation.

Bold Way to Learn

This year I have made a great deal of progress in improving my physical health, which is a continuation of one of my New Years Resolutions of being healthy in mind, body, and soul.  Four to five times a week you will find me at the gym. I have found this is my sanctuary where all the petty problems in the world are ambiguous. If I could only stay there for more than two to three hours per sitting I would have my own little piece of heaven. Another resolution that I made was to post more on my blog.  My apologies for not keeping my word on that, but physical exertion has proven to be the optimum outlet for the stresses in my life. Just because I have slipped, had a failed attempt does not mean I shall cease to push forward. It does not take an expert to know that the mind, body, and soul are linked together as one and codependent upon each other.

The Friday before Valentines day I wanted to be a bolder person and act instead of retreat. I went to take my phone in because it was making a lovely hissing noise filled with static. That day had not been one of the brightest because it was one where I had to give my car dealership a large sum of money to extend my service plan to 100,000 miles on my vehicle to continue having no cost maintenance. After the deal was done I felt invigorated to take my phone in for service and resolve another issue in one daring swoop.  


At the cellular store, when my name was called by a beautiful woman with reddish brown hair, I must admit I was not blown away by her beauty.  As hard as it is for me to believe I did not really notice how attractive she was until we started chatting it up. Over the years I have found that I have standards that are off the charts high and I will most likely end up old and alone if I do not settle or have a reality check of some sorts. We will save that for another posting. However, I remember talking with this cell support rep and she asked me for the phone number associated with the phone, the account password, and then our talk spun off in all different directions.  


I was shocked because I knew that she was into phones and the new technology that was heading the way of that particular wireless provider. The conversation just flowed so naturally and I do not recall the last time I had a free-flowing talk with a beautiful woman. I was smooth and even complimented her Emporio Armani Glasses, which she was really receptive to.  After our talk, the transaction of her informing me that a refurbished warranty replacement would be on its' way only took about thirty seconds. I glanced at my watch on the way out the door and noticed I our talk lasted about fifteen minutes.  Then the mind started plugging away and over thinking.  I thought to myself that I noticed that she would play with her hair and her necklace when I talked to her in a flirtatious manner. She also blushed when I complemented her glasses because it wasn't a stereotypical guy compliment consisting of: "Hey babe you're hot." 

My car rounded the corner just past the junction to head south on the highway that takes me home. A thought came over me that I had to try something to see if she is was interested. I swiftly changed over two lanes and exited to a retail store. I was inside and thought I knew I wanted to get her a little something and a Thank You card. Flowers? No. Chocolate around Valentines Day? No. Wine? Do I know if she drinks it and what kind does she like? No. So,I grabbed the card and was about the depart the store when I saw a coworker's wife and asked her about an epiphany that just came to me. I remembered those Emporio Armani Glasses and I thought I should get an Armani fragrance. She said that it sounded sweet so I headed over to the department store by her work.


I looked at Emporio Armani Diamonds at first and thought it was a win-win. However, it is always the best to get a woman's advice. I gave her a rundown of the situation and how I wanted to make a bold statement. I even threw myself a mini pity party and mentioned how nice guys finish last and that I didn't hope this would blow up in my face like Valentines Day 2006. - That was the day I bought this sorority that I was on a break with three dozen roses in an attempt to get back together after she had said she just needed more time over the course of a year.  It blew up in my face because after all that effort she decided it was time to be honest and tell me she had been seeing someone for a couple months.  I wonder why I am so timid and fear rejection... 

I was still dead set on the Armani theme and I asked to smell the Armani Code for Women. My senses told me that this was a bedazzling perfume and it was the one. Before the words could come to me the woman whom was helping me in cosmetics said it was perfect for a young modern woman.  I told her to ring me up and place it in a tasteful gift bag if she could.  It was nicely snuggled in a Marc Jacobs bag and I exited the store after filling out a card for her. In the card I wrote, "Here is a little token of my appreciation for someone else who appreciates the finer things in life as well." I signed it and place my phone number below my name. 


Do you want to know what a man feeling like a million bucks looks and feels like? Well, I was the closest thing to that on my trek to the cell phone store. I parked out front and left the car running with the stunningly bright blueish purple headlights beaming in the glass storefront.  I walked in and my heart was racing. I saw her standing behind the counter on hold with corporate tech support and the customer she was helping was standing there waiting for her provide a solution to his cellular woes. I waltzed up to the counter every so smoothly and set the bag down and said, "Here is a little something for the great customer service." She smiled from ear to ear and I exited. 


On the drive home I played it cool and waited to either receive a response or not hear a thing.  At this point in time I wish she would have not said a word or even thank you.  We will get to that in just a moment. As I completed the twenty minute commute home my phone alerted me of a text right when the garage door closed. It startled me and as I read it I became filled with joy.  She thanked me and said that I didn't have to do that. Also, she included it was the perfect perfume and asked how I knew which one to get her. Feeling like a Slick Rick, I let her know that we would have to discuss the answer to that over dinner of coffee. She accepted the prospect of my proposal and I called it a night. 


Long story short she said she didn't receive some of my texts, which I spaced out to not seem needy, even though I have been single going on seven years this Spring... I asked her outright if she was seeing anyone and if so I would back off because I am a gentleman. She said it was complicated, which should have been a red flag from the get go. Then I waited a couple days to hear back from her and shot myself in the foot.  I said something along the lines of her proving that nice guys finish last. This prompted her to tell me that it was her work phone and she hadn't worked in a couple days and said I was moving too fast for her liking. It is amazing what three messages over three days can do. 


To sum things up I was blown off. I was back in Somber Darin Mode. I would be telling a horrifically unbelievable lie if I said I was within eye shot of cloud nine. I learned that being timid will not help me find someone and being bold is a waste of time and money. I just hope that my vacation plans work out towards the end of March so I can get away from it all again. I hope that with this continuation of working out, writing, completing my degree, meditation, and spending the summer traveling will prove to help me fulfill my New Years Resolution of improving upon the whole package- Mind, Body, and Soul.  A great comedy to see that really woke me up and kind of pegs me for the teenager I was and the man I fight with today would be the main character in It's Kind of a Funny Story. Watch it and let me know if you can see past or present Darin within this character. The great thing about the film was that it showed the struggles of an analytical young man and how it is becoming increasingly hard for him to remember a time when he was happy and carefree. In the end it shows that there is hope and life is meant to be lived not regretted.

Reflection, More Than a Mirror Image

Last night I sat down with a good friend and had a deep talk about life to give them an inside look as to where I am coming from and what has shaped me into the person I am today.  It is my strong belief that we are all essentially the same; trying to achieve the similar goals; and desire fulfillment in some form or another.  What happens when we have identity issues as to where we do not know what we really want or who we really are?  

After my long and deep discussion about the struggles, which I like to call triumphs because I am still able to motivate myself to start each day with the best intentions, after having such experiences.  Have you ever noticed how the best dreams from which we do not want to wake are masked by the thoughts of the impending day?  Take it one step further and you are trailing behind my shadow.  Imagine your past.  Think of each up and down as that quintessential dream that is forgotten before it can be recalled.    


Welcome to my reality. When I try to go back in my memory to find out what has shaped my existence I am at a loss. Not holding such essential memories perpetuates my dilemma of searching for that lost dream(s) of when I thought I knew what I wanted in life and what type of man I yearned to be. 


What I do recall is a what should have been a pivotal point in my life during my sophomore year in high school.  I ended up punching a brick wall out of rage when a friend called me out on my obvious identity issues that I was facing, (even at that point in time).  The guy said in so many words that I had a set of emotional display rules and communication styles that would change depending on my audience.  This is great if I had the desire to be an up-and-coming actor. However, I want to be real and know what it is that I can plug into the equation of if I do X then I will be able to say that equals the notion that I lived the heck out of life with no regrets.


Now that my friend has helped me realize during our discussion that I went into a shell after being a sponge that absorbed the mirror image of my surroundings; I must reflect and find out how I can break free and genuinely reinvent myself.  It is my goal that through my main form of expression, which is writing, that I can take you along with me on this journey of self-affirmation.  I have made leaps and bounds improving my physical health and now it is time to start working mind and soul, not just body.

End Day 365. Begin Day One.

This is the time of year that we call upon the consciousness to decide where we feel we have been successful, but moreover where we need improvement.  I have not wrote since Thanksgiving for reasons out of my control, but I shall not go off on a tangent. The hours, minutes, and seconds of this day, year, and decade are the final grains of salt filtering through an egg timer. Last time I wrote I asked us to be thankful and show gratitude through giving; now it is time to take that a step further. Search Amazon.com for nike under armour
 

As I mentioned it is the point in time where we all take a step back to find opportunities for improvement in the year to come.  The obvious would be that I will not only continue to improve my physical health, but also dive into improving my mental and spiritual health. It is extremely hard to ask the question of what places me in solitude when the answer is vividly apparent.  There is an inn rbattle of man versus self. How can I appreciate, love, cherish, empathize, support, and know anyone else if I cannot do any of those the above for myself?
 
The question has always been apparent, but the answers, or journey to the answers have fallen victim of subconscious avoidance.  So let's put all the cards on the table and work with the hand dealt.  What I appreciate about myself is that I know that I am a caring person to the extent that I find myself on the verge of tears when I do something really special for another, (or even witness such an act). This is not something I want to lose, but it will slip away if I keep hollowing my core. Another quality I appreciate is my sense of humor that escapes when I least expect it, but I need to quit placing a great deal of focus on suppression and roll with the punches. As I continue to work on these resolutions it is my greatest hope that the other aspects leading to improvement will fall into place.
In two days I find out how whether that river card is an Ace of Spades or a 2 of another suit. Whether I get the royal flush with a clean bill of health or not I am not going to give up. I am going to persevere and I am going to live each day like it is my last. Part of self-improvement is calling oneself out on flaws and following up with a solution. Simply shining light on a pitfall leads to self-pity and sour moods; follow through is needed. Writing is a great way to express feelings, thoughts, emotions, and discover more about the self. 
 
Another step I am taking in the right direction is a vow of celibacy and a vow of avoiding self gratification. This is not purely sexual, but I need to learn how to be truly pleased and comfortable with what I have and who I am.  Cheap thrills are no longer going to cut it and I must find a more constructive way to enlightenment. Starting three days ago, I took a 69 Day Vow to not have sexual relations; even in regards to simple and innocent things like flirtation. I have spent about seven years trying to fill a void and searching for my next relationship.  Searching is not the methodology, which will produce results.  I am going to drive women crazy because I am off the market completely for the next 66 days; and with my physical activity level going through the roof I can only imagine it will feed into their primal desire to want that which they cannot. 
 

In the spirit of saying goodbye to 2010 I welcome 2011. It is my final year of closing a chapter and starting anew. I also vow to follow the wisdom of Leonardo Da Vinci and sleep seven to eight hours a night.  There are too many precious hours in the day that I can spend sharing my thoughts with you, exercising, working on my studies, and spending time with my family and my loyal Bandit.  I look forward to making it a goal to post twice a month, then weekly, and then twice a week.  I almost typed out the sentence that I would really appreciate some feedback; but I am going to start on one of my resolutions of loving and appreciating myself.  My work is an extension of me so I will candidly say it is up to snuff.  I wave a melancholy goodbye to 2010 and welcome opportunity with open arms. Let's get men in 2011!

Gratitude is in the Air

Tonight I was following routine and I dropped by my local video store on the way home to exchange some online rentals with a couple new releases.  As I was approaching the checkout line I saw a lady and two younger girls looking at the BluRay display of the new Twilight movie that is hitting shelves in the near future.  I jokingly said, "Once you go blue you don't go back."  A vibe hit me that these ladies were not just fascinated by the picture quality that BluRay has to offer, but it was something that they wished they could have for themselves. 

As I stood in line and waited for my online movies to be checked in, a thought kept running through my mind.  I wanted to do something for these complete strangers.  Finally, right before the moment where the movies are handed to me and sent on my way; my heart started doing the thinking. 

I looked over at the mother and the two girls and asked them if they wanted a BluRay player.  Words cannot describe the expression of disbelief that was on their faces.  I kindly explained that I had one of the first BluRay players at home that I did not use since I purchased a Sony Play Station 3 to play my movies.  To illustrate that I was serious I went on to say that I did not use the device and it would be nice for someone to be able to enjoy it.  In order to not make them feel awkward I let them know I would drop it by the video store for them to pick up. 


Grinning from ear to ear, the woman thanked me and let me know that I had just made a single mother's holiday.  I really did not know what to say besides that I wanted to give without expectations and it would be my pleasure to bring joy to another.  I am going to plug in the BluRay player tonight, test it out, and find a couple BluRay Titles to give them to along with it.  Not only will they have a new movie watching experience, but also they will have a couple films to start their collection. The two women working at the video store counter were shocked by this as well and told the mother that it was the same price to rent BluRay as it was to rent DVD.  




About a year ago I used to get a rush spending money on over-the-top or big ticket items.  It made me feel worthy, powerful, unique, or some type of prestige to show myself that I could buy frivolous toys. Now I am in the spirit of giving.  Why would I possibly want to continue to give when my perception of the past tells me I have given so much with so little in return?  The answer is simple. It is my destiny and I cannot walk above the path upon which my feet were placed.  


With that being said I believe that I have come pretty far over a short period of time.  The saying that people will not change and cannot change unless they really want to is ever-so true.  Something inside of me didn't want to let go of the cynicism that shaped my reality.  I was jaded from what is beautiful and only saw the putrid.  My mind was on a warpath of trying to enhance my spiritual wealth through spending sprees. No longer do I do such foolish things. What I take from all of this is that truly being grateful, (which leads to true happiness), requires us to perform an act that retailers, corporations and individuals dread.  


Inventory, in order for us to have any hope of seeing the glass as half-full or being content in our own skin, we must do an inventory of what we have versus the mindless chasing of desirables.  I stand here and say I have: my health; family; a new outlook on life; and the possibilities are endless. Notice how I didn't mention any material items. It is my belief that when we evaluate our material items it puts us on the plane of dissatisfaction, where more is never enough.

Life a working title?

When reflecting upon the days sitting in composition classes I hear the echos of my educators' voices saying," Do not give your writing a title until you have finished your composition."  A title emerges from the words within.  With that I question whether life or our condition earns a title out of haste? Do we have a tendency to place a label on the present tense, (based on recent events), that inevitably decide our future? 

As I walk this path of life I see the current mood, demeanor, a recent interpersonal interaction, or almost anything under the sun places a title on our outlook.  It is impossible to say that we are immune to our environment.  As children some of us have the distant memories of an old childhood defense mechanism used in America, (I am rubber and you are glue).  It indicated that hurtful words or actions would bounce off of us and eventually stick to the instigator.  What happened to that easy way of letting what brings us sorrow roll off of our backs?  I know that when I was little I had quite a bit of toil when it came to being as elastic as I would have liked; but I do not recall holding a grudge. It hurt when someone put a label on me, but like a goldfish I would forget about it and be interested in joining the other kids in a game of soccer during recess.  

Bang! A shot goes off in a bright setting and the screen fades black.  That is the image of a hiccup that can ruin a day, week, or give us a preconceived notion that everything is not going to be moderately tolerable. 

I must admit I fell victim of my own circumstance last week when I was pulled over on my commute to work. I was going less than 5mph/8kph over the speed limit about 500ft/152m after passing the posted sign indicating a new speed zone.  The officer pulled me over after running my plates; and with the appearance and type of my vehicle he  saw that I was a rather young to be driving such a car. After running my plates he threw on his lights indicating I was his intended target. A warning was given for the speed and a ticket was issued for my window tinting being too dark for the the state's laws.  I explained I purchased the vehicle as is from the neighboring state, which has different laws, but this was no excuse.  The officer said that he was being nice and could have cited me for another ticket for the dealership putting license plate brackets on the vehicle that covered part of the plate.  

The point of all of that was I let it paint a label across my day. I let it put a title on my mood and how I viewed the time until its close.  Now that I look back upon it I cannot relive those hours, minutes, or seconds that I wasted with fury. However, I can learn from a bad experience and just flow with it.  Life is too short of a journey to let a title stick to you for any length of time if it is nothing short of an adjective for bliss.  Eat well, drink well, love well, think well, and you shall live well.  Regret nothing and focus on the now.  We can never get yesterday back so why not make today the best? As for now I am just calling it life and I will whisper a title to my loved ones with my last breath, until then now is all that matters.

Embrace or Dismiss?

There are quite a few aspects of my life I can apply the principle embracing or dismissing.  We are constantly faced with decisions where an affirmation is to embrace as negation is to dismiss.  Each choice, idea, task, or thought that comes our way we are faced with this inevitable crossroad.  People have told me that everything is a choice and I am on the fence of believing such a notion.  When I first moved back to the Omaha, Nebraska area I was attending a World Religions course where a Buddhist Monk came in to speak to us and answer questions we posed.  Out of all of the knowledge he passed on to the class one aspect stood out.  He mentioned the idea of the ripple effect and gave us a mental picture of the concept with the example of tossing a stone into a body of water.  What one may notice is that when this is done rings, (or ripples), spread from the point of impact and gradually become more faint as they expand, multiply, and spread. What we do not know is how far the ripples go and where they end.


What I took from this was that we might be able to see the short-term ramifications of our every thought, move, or deliberation.  A month ago I would be sitting here feeling great after putting more miles on my running shoes.  The choice I made after my senior year of high school to stop being physically active and eating healthy has resulted in a sensation of pain in the cartilage and one of the muscles or tendons in my right knee.  I had an operation on this knee when I was a sophomore in high school.  Gosh, I cannot believe that was almost eight years ago this month.  The doctor told me that my knee's lifespan depended upon my physical activity and weight.  When I went off to college I met barley and hops along with a poor diet that consisted of something I could cook in five minutes or be delivered.  My choice was to embrace a poor diet and dismiss physical activity.  Now I am having to dismiss my passion for running and embrace other forms of exercise to stay physically fit until my doctor can see what is wrong.  Other factors are weighed in as well and may not seem to be within our control.


For instance I have a research paper with a deadline that is approaching soon.  The rough draft was due this evening. I did not choose to embrace a stomach bug which disabled me to go to work or class; but I chose to dismiss research due to feeling tired and not wanting to put forth the effort to work on this project because of the toll being ill has had on my body.  

One thing that I need to welcome with open arms is friendship.  I stand before you saying that my only real friend lives 256 miles away from me and he and I rarely are able to chat depending on our busy schedules.  I made the choice to drown myself in work, school, and being a loner.  People trying to get close to me and tear down these defensive walls have asked me why I appear to be afraid to let anyone get close.  I dismissed the notion that it was fear at first, but now I am fearful because of uncertainty.  I am uncertain of who I am and what changed from the time I was a social butterfly at the University of Iowa to a shut-in living near Omaha, NE. This afternoon my mother and I were having a chat and she asked me if she was a bad person or what was wrong wit her because she has no friends. I candidly answered her and said that I am a mirror image of her and my father and to say I knew the answer to their dilemma would be to know the answer to my own.


I, like my parents, always receive compliments from others about being nice and approachable people.  One conclusion I came to today, which I shared with my mom, was that we are genuinely kind and giving people.  Our personality type is very rare.  We seemingly give without expectation. For the most we do actually give without expectation, but everything is finite.  I do have a great deal of admiration for my father because his giving is seemingly infinite.  Maybe he dismisses any return for his good deeds and I praise him for doing so.  As for my mother and I we embrace the idea that we should give to people, do favors, and be helpful to others without being asked.  A number of times this causes us to be taken for granted or taken advantage of.  There is the age old saying that if you let people take advantage of you, they will.  Here is where I think the two of us run into issues with friends and with the exception of my father, (in her case), lovers.  We are willing to give until we are almost bled dry, but we seemingly cannot dismiss the expectation that others should hold this quality as well.  Constantly, in my personal experience when I become frustrated for being taken advantage of the other person's argument is, "well if you wanted something all you had to do is ask."  To draw things back to my main point to not appear that I went off on crazy tangent.  Why must we dismiss the notion to do without being asked or obligated; and how can we learn to embrace the gifts of others with even the smallest token of gratitude?  When I can answer this question I will be one step closer in my long road to divinity. 




(I do appreciate the influx of comments that have started to emerge.  Feedback in any form even putting your own thoughts out there is a cherished gift.  I must apologize for not posting sooner, but due to school, a broken notebook, and life I hadn't the opportunity to share my thoughts and ideas with you.  I wish you all a Happy Halloween and may it be a day where we embrace our inner child we can dismiss all the forces that try to drag us down.)

Another Glow Stick Dance Darude- Sandstorm

Here is another glow stick dancing video I did tonight. I am mentally exhausted from midterms. I plan to get back to writing next week. Enjoy the video. Dreams are dreams, even if others call them foolish. 

 

Trying Something New

I was never confident in dancing in any way, shape, or form.  I then shot video of myself doing glow stick dancing to two songs. Please check them out and enjoy. They may not be perfect, but they may be a testament that we should all try to do the things that make us happy or at least give it a shot! I hope you enjoy! 

Up For a Challenge? Is it time?

Have you ever found yourself going through the same mundane routine over and over again? Each week mirrors the last. I cannot tell you whether something happened one, two, three, or four weeks ago.  The calendar's days are a blur and the pages of the months are turned over like those being read by an enthused reader who has found a title that they just cannot put down.  Where has 2010 gone? For that matter why did I take 2007, 2008, and 2009 for granted?  I see people talking about wanting fast forward life and it blows my mind.  I must admit that I wanted to speed things up and hurry towards more promising days, but here I am going on two and one-half decades this December wishing I was living in yesteryear.  

I am evolving into an optimist. I am giving without expectation. I am grateful for the positive things in my life and doing my best at ignoring the negative.  Yes, I go on crusades and I may not fight all the right battles; but I know that I cannot look back and say I wish I would have fought harder.  People question my concern over things that seem petty to them. There may not be a large monetary value attached to each battle, but what about principle? Why can we not stand up, dig in, and resist what we see as unethical? Why is everything starting to look more and more like a paradox?  

I was told by a wise colleague that by exercising and being an optimist my brain is rewiring itself and these moments of helplessness or hopelessness are my body and brain fighting my swim upstream.  No one ever said that swimming upstream of shaving against the grain was pleasant. I never held a desire for accomplishments to come with ease.  The greatest victories in life are those that we put blood, sweat, tears, fears, heart, and soul into seeing it through. Believe me it hurts to be apathetic and only care about how others perceive the self.  Before I went on a spending halt I used to fill an empty void with gadgets, luxuries, and other trinkets.  Now I am questioning whether or not I need to buy another pair of snow tires for my all-wheel-drive car with a very rough winter in the forecast.  I better make up my mind on that one soon.  What is a need? To some the word need is incomprehensible and use such words as huge, best, etc. in describing their desires. When you need something does it have to be the best? The only aspects of my life that I want to be the best are my soul mate and to be the best person I can possibly be.  

I will continue uphill and when I stumble I will not start thinking of the easy way out of throwing aside concern. I am ready to take on this challenge that I see as being a minority, (and optimist in a very apathetic or pessimistic world).  Today is coming to a close and tomorrow I will wake up with renewed hope because even in this grand illusion that everyday is exactly like the last; there are moments that need to be amplified to fight a never-ending battle to be free of displeasure.

Running-More than Heel-Toe Heel-Toe

Pull them taught, get in the mode. Make the loops and tie the knot. Stretch the muscles think about the day.  The initial strain starts the melt-away.  Feeling limber, climb into the saloon, the track will be under my feet soon.  Fire up the engine and hear it hum. As I near the drum of my heart takes over.  Jump up and down to loosen up because this body will not stop until it has enough.  Fueled with food and vitamins, but the stress, now that is the stuff!  I feed off the negative "concerns" and that is plenty to get me past the burn.  Press play and night turns into day.  I am a rocket ready to ignite, but good luck seeing me in the shadows of the night.  As a round a corner the music hounds on, but I really do not bother to change the song.  Push, push, push I haven't even begun, before I know it I hear I have completed my run.  I hear congratulations this is the farthest you have gone, but I know tomorrow brings a new dawn.   

When I hear that my journey is complete reality sets in as I begin to feel the heat.  My body aches and the pain is frightening. Who the heck filled my legs with lighting?  As I walk the pain switch has been set from off to on, and the strain of my madness is far from gone.  My shins burn with a fire-like rage, can I really be getting up there in age? I feel like I am trapped and cannot leave the track, but my mind is free from the toils, which make me want to crack.  Two more steps forward and no steps back, onward toward my car and call it a night.  Tomorrow brings another fight.  A fight to deal with all of the turmoil of the new day, but the next run is not that far away.

I have come to learn that every little aspect of life is a gift. I do not enjoy the pain I feel after a run, but I enjoy the energy and other health benefits of the task. No one is out there to judge when your running in circles to your favorite tune.  A comfortable pace is completely up to you.  If I find myself running low on motivation to continue, I think of something I have bottled up inside.  Soon after, an explosion of energy hits my extremities and I begin to glide.  All the nagging and negativity that I hear throughout the day is simply motivation to burn it away.  Some people explode at the drop of a dime; I happen to keep it inside and release it in stride at another juncture in time.  When I come home aching like an old man I am asked if insane and to refrain from pushing myself as hard the next time.  Well, we never know when and if there is going to be a next time; so I give it my all and without this stress relief I would go insane.  I used to deal with stress by coming home and falling asleep, but no longer will I watch optimum health sleep from reach.  We all make choices on how we can live and I choose to take from my body in order to give.  Forgive me for my moments of trying to save face, for now I am trying to make it through life with grace. 

The Challenge of Today

Each day I wake up I find it is less and less of a challenge to get out of bed. I know there are those days when it is cold, overcast, or your bed feels like the best place in the world; but how can one know what is out there if we become confined to pillows and blankets?  I cannot stand before you and say that I am the social butterfly that I used to be.  I am a loner and I keep to myself for the most part.  My parents and my four-legged lady are my world.  The track and running shoes come in a close second.  Is it a negative to be connected and engaged when at work and be an outsider looking in when in leisure?  Some might argue, well a great deal of people will argue, that humans need to be social creatures.  I happened to watch a film a couple semesters ago about how detrimental it was on the human body, mind, and spirit to not communicate with others.  This does not define my situation.  I spend forty or more hours a week communicating with patrons that come into my place of business and I spend countless hours taking part in classroom and online discussions for my college courses.  Within the confines of my house, my family and I are open books.  We love to discuss what events had a significant impact on our day and offer a support system for one another when stress becomes a joint venture.  Our level of disclosure is amazing because I still respect my parents as the people who gave me life and the foundation upon which I stand, that I presume is that of a good person.  What is holding me back from wanting to be with others and spend time outside of my routine. 


I come back to the words I used earlier, which are challenge and comfort.  A year ago I was confined to my bed.  Not for any medical reasons, but because it was my comfort zone where challenges had little significance.  I would come home from work or school and escape to the land of dreams in order to close my eyes upon reality and forward momentum.  Now I find that sleep is a luxury and the relationships we have with others are of greater value. Once time allows, or I stop making excuses, I will go out and become social again. I re-opened my facebook account to connect with old friends and those who live cities, states, and continents away. One must admit that I am off to a start, but I will not start something I do not intend to finish. Excuses are such an easy way out of doing. Before I began my lifestyle change in respect to my mind, body, and spirit I made excuses not to exercise, meditate, or expand my consciousness. Today I just ran over four miles and it feels great. The body fascinates me on a daily basis and will continue to do so in the future.  Life really is a set of choices, decisions, and a result of action or inaction. Everything we do has a ripple effect.  We can cast a stone into a still pond and we will never see the end of the ripples from that first impact rock and water.  This analogy makes me choose action and being proactive because I might not see the results of my decisions until a later date.  I want to be the driving force in my life and eventually I will find my soul mate who will help me along my journey. 


This Spring I I plan to do quite a bit of traveling.  First stop is going to be to Miami, Florida for a reunion with the Winter Music Conference and Ultra Music Festival 2011 towards the end of March.  Next I will make it a point to go visit my friends in Portland, Oregon and enjoy the beauty of the city nestled within the forests of the Northeastern United States.  On my way back I plan to visit friends and family in Colorado and then make a Journey to Europe.  Here is a question I would probably ask while reading this: "Is he going to take someone with him or is he going alone?"  Each destination is a must and I will not allow another person's schedule interfere with my exploration. Also, this will be a great opportunity for me to meet new people because I cannot enjoy myself if I am an antisocial part of the scenery.  What I have realized is that no matter how comfortable I am in bed; or no matter how appealing it sounds to hit the snooze button I will be up and ready to take on the new challenge that I like to call today.  Life is too short to be comfortable and we need to sometimes step outside of our comfort zone in order to learn more about not only ourselves, but also our surroundings and the people that make up this beautiful planet.  Are you up for the challenge?


(Thank you all for reading and I really appreciate the feedback I have received thus far.  Please feel free to comment if you would like, but I am grateful that my words are being seen by many, versus being heard by a few.)

 

Allowing the Waters Shape My Character

I do regretfully give apologize for not posting sooner.  There have been two reasons why I have not posted. The first being that I not only want to make sure that everything I put on here comes from the heart and soul, but also ensuring every posting have sustenance to where it can help you grow, heal, or see insight on another person's point-of-view. 

I have always been one of those people that has seen everything as either being black or white. Any shade in between really did not appeal to me and defense mechanisms would be on standby when something did not fall into this color scheme.  It is hard to believe that I have spent over twenty four years not knowing who I am or even liking myself for that matter.  Finally I am going along with the belief system of a pragmatist and seeing that the only consistency in life is change and there is always room for improvement through reform.  

The metaphor in the title is not an attempt to have a catchy name for this post.  It is a metaphor for life.  Picture life as a riverbed atop a mountain with cool, clean, magnificent water making its way downhill from the melting snow.  Look into that crystal clear water and see that almost every rock in there is rounded and the way they allow it to effortlessly flow over them.  There are stones in there that have just rolled into submersion and time will allow them to become homogeneous as well. A rock has no feelings and embraces the erosion of its rough exterior to reveal the inner beauty waiting to escape.  I, however, have always been the stone in the river that refused fluidity.  When I peered inside I did not see the light that was starving for oxygen; I saw a dark hallow place, a void, and a of feeling of hopelessness.  As I see my body transform I see my personality come around as well. Now that light is shining brighter as I inhale deeply and fuel that increasingly beautiful glow.

I am still taking baby steps in gaining confidence in who I am and what I stand for.  However, I can stand before you today and say that I am content with my character. Outside forces still have their influence, but they are no longer the driving force.  The defense mechanisms have been reduced and I have disarmed. I can feel the weight and years of aging I have put on my mind and body flow downstream with a sigh of relief.  No longer will I be what someone else desires. No longer will I try to adhere to an ideal of another. I am a beautiful person who would give the shirt off my back to help another and that brings a smile to my face.  My blessings have been audited and inventory says I am in good shape.  If I should ever frown it is only due to seeing another struggle.  Life is a gift, a journey, a playground, and an something we cannot quantify.  The only thing we can do is be the best that we can and improve the quality of our own existence and the existence of those whom we surround ourselves with.  Do not love like there is not going to be a tomorrow. Love like there is not going to be ten more minutes. Still be gracious and give to others, but do not neglect yourself. It feels great to let the crisp waters flow over me without resistance and be surrounded by like-minded individuals seeing the beautiful colors this world has to offer. 

Being True to MYSELF- Something I Overlooked For Too Long....

How does one start talking about focusing on being honest to themselves when they have extended all their efforts in the pleasure of others?  Well, it takes some time to get the words flowing and to tear down the mental barriers that have been put in place, which have prevented me from revealing my core.  Disclosure is a gift and when another is willing to touch upon Level 2 and Level 3 Disclosure, show gratitude by listening.  Such levels of disclosure delve beyond the pleasantries we exchange and the petty issues we experience in life.  I do not want to discount Level 1 Disclosure because it is a steppingstone that bridges acquaintance and friendship.  A great deal of us have these defense mechanisms that we have built in order to shield against exposing who we really are.  Such exposure increases vulnerability and it is a basic human instinct to not want to be vulnerable to any form of aggression.  As we become comfortable with others we are apt to disclose more with them because we have a level of trust that eases the mind form fear of relation. 
 


Personally I have viewed myself as being a person that discloses quite a bit and at times have even caught myself thinking that I probably disclose more than I should.  However, how can one have the perception that they put all their cards on the table when they do not have a grasp on personal identity?  I cannot praise physical activity enough. In March of 2009 I was heading back from the last day of Ultra Music Festival 11 in Miami, Florida.  It was at this point that I was still obese, but in denial.  As the cab pulled up to the Hotel the cab driver gave me his card before asking for payment.  The man was a Haitian wellness advocate and he said, "I want you to take this card and every time you look at it think of exercising three to four times a week."  Of course I felt insulted because someone had just called me out about being fat, but reality is not always pleasant.  I do not know why it took more than a year for me to decide I needed to do something about my physical condition, but as I was walking off the track after a run a couple days ago and I thought of the words from this cabbie and smiled.  My peers view me as being a little insane for putting myself through the physical stress of exercise, but I cannot begin to list all the benefits that have came from this insanity.  I feel great for starters.  My brain is firing on more cylinders than I knew existed, and I have stopped doing mental gymnastics to accept my surroundings.



I cannot stand before you and say that I have figured out exactly what I want and who I am.  Self-discovery is a process, but strides have been made.  I no longer feel the need to impress others or feel like I am part of some untangle competition to be viewed in a positive light.  Material possessions no longer rule my emotions and I do not need to go out and spend money to try and fill the metaphorical sink hole that was my previous emotional state.  What I am trying to say here is that I was lost in a paradox.  My ability to live in a blissful state of mind was a direct reflection of how I thought others perceived me.  At the same time I was searching for ways to please myself by pleasing others and always putting myself last.  Now this perception has surfaced as a falsehood and I shall continue my search for who I really am.  What I do know is that as today I stand before you and say I know we must not be selfish or think that everyone else comes second; but at the same time we cannot put everyone else first and neglect the our own needs. 
 
Let me introduce myself.  I am Darin Mellor and I am learning to love life and appreciate the small aspects in this world I have taken for granted for far too long.  My head is no longer looking over my shoulder trying relive the past.  The future does not daunt me because the variables of the present will facilitate what the hands of time plan to reveal down the road. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction; and almost everything in life is based upon a choice, decision, action or inaction. Now I know that I value people and the relationships I have with them; and an inventory of our material possessions have been cast away.  My hope in humanity and the human spirit has been revitalized. No longer do I chase pipe dreams of success because I am already successful, but my failure comes in this recognition.  My goals are simple versus being complex.  I plan to live an enjoyable life and know that I have contributed to improving not only the lives of others, but also improving my own.  May the seas be calm and may I have the motivation and perseverance to continue to find out what is really important.  And most importantly may I have the strength not to backpedal and keep being honest to everyone, including me.



(Thank you all for your patience in waiting for my next posting.  I want to make sure that each and every post is meaningful and offers some insight into how we can all improve our situations.  As, always I encourage you to provide feedback on my postings, but as I have stated today I do not need recognition to feel at ease. I look forward to posting again soon and may all of you continue to see the silver lining in this wonderful marathon we see as life.)

The POWER of the Human Spirit

I must admit I am not one that is really into television and most of what I would call, "garbage," which is displayed to the mindless masses.  Tonight I watched a show that I am quite fond of called America's Got Talent-- I wish it they would have removed the conjunction America's and made it simple and more grammatically pleasing by calling it America Has Talent, but let us not get caught up on the petty details. Before I get off on a tangent I was viewing this broadcast and I was captivated by the human spirit and how we can reach out and touch one another in the simplest ways possible. Whether it is a fraternity that has a bad reputation for hazing and partying, (at least where I went to college), transforms themselves into an amazing performance that mystifies the mind; or it is a little girl that can sing the heck out of a classical song and give you goose pimples when she hits the high notes the human spirit is something that has not faded.  While I was depressed I asked myself where did all the good people in this world go?  Also, I would question where are those who give it their all not only to better themselves, but also have the ability to give your heart that magnificent feeling mankind will prevail? They are right in front of our eyes and all around us.

Every person has a different background, current situation, and outlook on life.  Siddhartha chose to go the middle way, which was very wise and banished suffering by letting go of permanence. But then you ask yourself what about those who can stand on a stage and give 110 percent of themselves to captivate the hearts and minds of people around the globe?  Are they going the middle ground or going the extra mile?  Life is such an amazing journey and whatever path we take to bring blissful smiles and tears of joy to ourselves and those we love cannot be frowned upon.  And I mention that it is very hard to not love someone so much you cannot let them go.  I see my parents and my loyal four-legged friend aging and I fear what life will be like without them.  I know that is not what they want and the connection between people may be suspended, but is never lost.

We have gone through tough times and there is no guarantee that three little birds will tell us that everything is going to be alright. What we do have is that nugget of truth and innocence that makes all our problems melt away. When you watch a little girl cry at the end of her performance because she slipped on the stairs in the beginning of her performance, but did not allow that to stop her from giving it her all, do you think about the rough day you had at work, the bills coming due, or the other petty things that drag us down?  I strongly suggest that you use Google and view America's Got Talent's Top Ten Performances that aired live on September 7, 2010. There are some acts where your heart is grasped so tight that you do not want to let go of that moment. Only four of the inspirational people on there will make it through, but I know that they will persevere. They will go on with life fighting for their dreams and chasing dreams shall never be something I consider foolish. If they can touch my heart and make it grow beyond the scale of Dr. Sues' Grinch then anyone can appreciate it.  

Appreciation is something that is bleeding out of us with every bump we hit in the journey that we call life. We have lost our gratitude for what we have and are ousted by our inept feeling that we are lacking. The smallest incident can send us to the pits of sorrow or send the fires of rage through our veins. What I am here to tell you is that just over three months ago I really did not like myself and I really did not have much hope in humanity. America's Got Talent did not change this for me.  It may have been one of the many sparks of inspiration that have opened my mind to look for the good in others again, but something larger is building.  Each moment that goes by I do not have fear and I do not practice the self-fulfilling prophecy that whatever I touch is going to crumble.  My hands have softened to reach out and touch the delicate phenomena we call life; and my heart has become larger and stronger to love and live.  Just think about it. A million variables had to come together for any one of us to be here. If your father did not bump into the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in the grocery and introduced himself to your future mother you would not be here.  I would not have had some of the exhilarating experiences in my life if one variable would have been changed. Instead of thinking about what we could have changed in the past to better the present; why not focus on the now to improve the future? If we appear to have nothing, look around you and the human spirit will still shine through the darkest of days.

(As always your comments are appreciated. Please give me the the feedback via comments, e-mails, or sharing my words with your friends.  The greatest gift in life is feedback and I look forward to seeing some. Well, until next time I wish you a safe and pleasant voyage on your path in life.) 

 

Telling the Truth to the Self Continued

I have kept my promise and I am back to continue what I have started. Last night before I made my first posting I watched a movie that most people may not have heard of called Skills Like This, which was a phenomenal movie that I would recommend viewing. What stood out for me was the fact that I was almost ready to dismiss the movie because it seemed to be very low-budget and the beginning did not show much promise; but I was pleasantly surprised with the scenes that followed. After the main character noticed that he was not good at writing he decided to give it up.  His friends questioned his choice because he had quit his job to become a writer, but his answer was profound.  The response he gave was that people lie to themselves on a constant basis about what they are good at.  This was the realization or turning point for him that he lied to himself about being a good writer and wasted a large amount of his time trying to do something he had little proficiency in.  (Skills Like This, 2007) 

The man in the movie above decided to go rob a bank and he did it without a hitch. It went so smooth for him and it brought him joy to realize that there was something he excelled at.  Yes, I would not advise anyone to go out and do any illegal activities no matter how skilled they are at executing them; but why be discouraged by a dream that cannot be obtained? The point here is not to not crush dreams; but to find new ones that are within reach. Even if it is barely within the reach of the tips of your fingers it is worth going after; but it would be foolish to want to be an astrophysicist if one lacked skills in simple mathematics.  But if we find that we have the slightest amount of skill-sets to be a good public speaker why not go after a dream of being a Public Relations Agent for a large corporation, a celebrity, or a sports franchise? One of my personal aspirations is to do Public Relations on a large scale and I will get there someday.

Beyond our goals and dreams what else do we lie to ourselves about? Are there times in your life when someone has asked if anyone in the room was skillful in a certain area, but doubt and dishonesty to the self caused you to be silent? When we know that we are right about something that should be changed what keeps us quiet? When we witness something unethical or unlawful occurring why do we not speak up and help to remedy the situation? Here in America people have become very individualistic, which has its benefits, but does that mean we see helping others else as a waste of our time? And in an age where we are connected more than we ever have been why do we feel so disconnected? 

My rut of depression that lasted for almost five years would most likely bother others. Questions might arise of whether I feel that I wasted those years of my life not seeing the silver lining, living in the past, and having distaste for the present and future.  I agree that it was not healthy to be depressed for so long; but in order to know what it feels like to be truly filled with bliss one must experience the polar opposite. It is a cliche to say what does not kill us only makes us stronger. Such a cliche has a great deal of truth.  

On May 19, 2010 I decided to make a life change and put the overweight Darin behind me.  There were healthy years in my life and I know that my body was not designed to be obese. It was that day that I did an extreme diet that might have been the reason I recently lost my gallbladder, but as I have pointed out, the silver lining was that my cardiovascular health has never been better. I feel like I am eighteen again and I want to stand on the bow of a ship and yell "I'm King of the World," but I I would prefer that ship not sink.  (Titanic, 1997) 

I cannot believe that losing over 68lbs and I exercise four to six times per week could have such an impact on my not only my physical health, but also my mental health. Six months ago I could not even walk a mile and now I can run over three miles.  My brain is stimulated by the natural endorphins that it was lacking due to my recently heightened physical activity.  I will leave you with this.  If you are down and feeling alone in the world please reach down inside yourself and find the human spirit that is buried beneath pain, suffering, and turmoil. Once you let this spirit free it will help be the driving force to better oneself and the road to happiness will be paved two or three steps ahead of your stride. 

(For Now I must leave you again and I hope that this posting has brought forth some insight and helpful advice in assisting you be the very best you can be. There are no real roadblocks in life if your goals are realistic. Do not give up and keep plugging away and soon the fruits of your labor will be ready for harvest. I look forward to posting again. Please feel free to comment on the postings because feedback is essential in knowing whether or not my words have merit or benefit you, the reader.)  ~Darin 

Telling the Truth to the Self

I have always wondered why we do these mental gymnastics that can leave us floating on Cloud Nine or frantically grasping for anything to slow our fall.  Sometimes there is a bounce in our step and other times the sound of dragging feet echoes when we are close to hitting rock bottom. Life is not an easy journey and it was not designed to be. Think of those who are born with a silver spoon in their mouths and compare them to those who were born without such a spoon twenty, thirty, or even forty years later.  Is there a significant difference between the two? Well, most would say yes the silver spoon started off with promise, wealth, and more opportunity at their disposal. Now question the one without; they have options to either sink or swim, thick skin, and surprisingly enough-- opportunity as well.

Probe the mind and numerous examples of those born without a silver spoon while maintaining a positive attitude. Names and faces should start arriving in the conscious of those who started with nothing and now have it all should come to mind. Do I dare give you examples? No I will refrain because I want your mind to work.  If you can do mental gymnastics to make yourself filled with sorrow at one moment and filled with joy the next; I can rest assured that the mental capacity exists to do some thinking on your terms. If that fails do a search with your preferred search engine and your display will be filled with more results than your mind can digest.  

Let us flip the coin. Think of those born into money and hold the perception that they had every opportunity to be successful.  Did they count their blessings and run with it? Or did they end up on the cover of a magazine for some act beyond rationality to stay in the hue of the spotlight?  Sometimes when a person has it all they do not know what to do when the slightest hiccup occurs in their perfect world and they feel compelled to seek an emotional high.


This goes beyond any monetary standpoint because we can argue that money solves problems. It gives us a sense of security and for an ex-shopaholic like myself, it gave me a rush to buy lavish material garbage. What was the meaning of casting aside my parent's reasonable thinking that I would grow out of having to buy designer clothing? What made me feel so good about being an advertisement for the company's logo imprinted on my clothing? And how did I justify buying designer wear that had no logo available to the naked eye? I remember working at a retail store that was the epicenter of all the hottest brands and fashion trends. Yes, I did receive 40 percent off the retail price to entice me to wear their clothing and be a walking model of their products. What really stood out with this company was every time I punched in I would walk by our slogan that people like designer clothes because it makes them feel good. Is that to say that a red 100 percent cotton t-shirt minus a logo is any less comfortable or useful than its' brand name foe? Realistically, I would vote for the shirt without the logo because after washing a few times the screen print begins to crack and fade, but that is the what is in style; so we will leave that as my personal opinion. 


After high school I started college and that was a grand experience. I met barley and hops; fast and frozen microwaveable foods; and watched and listened to myself getting fatter. Did I become discouraged and depressed because my wardrobe was shrinking and I had less and less skin hugging clothes at my disposal? No, I actually think I had some of the greatest moments of my life getting fattened up and living in the moment. I was a social butterfly and my friends would call me out as we walked downtown asking if there wasn't a single person in Iowa City that I did not know. That was the peak of my confidence and I loved the heck out of my freshman year.  My grades suffered and I was no longer the A student who became upset with an occasional A- or B+; I was now a guy who was associated with the University and all of the good times that came with it. 


I had to pick my brain for a moment to find the turning point that caused me to lose a sense of confidence that if anyone can get it done Darin can! It was the day I was back home on Summer Vacation and my social antics caught up with me. I was told by my Academic Advisor that it would be in my best interest to withdraw from my classes for the Spring Session and return in the fall because a close friend passed away during finals week and I could not make up the tests.  My finger slid across the envelop and I heard the fibers separating to reveal my fate. The letterhead was there and I knew what it said before my pupils could focus on the words. It was a letter saying that I was excused from the University for one academic year.  I loved Iowa City and was determined to return in the fall of 2005. I enrolled at a satellite campus of a community college in Iowa City. It was a short drive from my house; but I lost a part of myself when I saw my roommates walk west towards campus and I had to fire up my engine and drive east to my new school.  I still knew people, but became more disconnected. My circle of friends became more tightly knit, but I was no longer the life of the party or the extroverted young man I used to be. 


This new setting started making me knowingly feel self conscious; and I say knowingly because as I reflect upon life I have always been a self conscious person.  I still cannot pinpoint why that changed maybe it was the weight gain catching up to me. Or maybe it was the lack of physical activity altered the amount of natural endorphins my brain received to be a positive individual. All I know is that from that point on the only parties I was throwing were pity parties and I sunk into a rut that lasted from the fall of 2005 to about August of 2010.