How does one start talking about focusing on being honest to themselves when they have extended all their efforts in the pleasure of others? Well, it takes some time to get the words flowing and to tear down the mental barriers that have been put in place, which have prevented me from revealing my core. Disclosure is a gift and when another is willing to touch upon Level 2 and Level 3 Disclosure, show gratitude by listening. Such levels of disclosure delve beyond the pleasantries we exchange and the petty issues we experience in life. I do not want to discount Level 1 Disclosure because it is a steppingstone that bridges acquaintance and friendship. A great deal of us have these defense mechanisms that we have built in order to shield against exposing who we really are. Such exposure increases vulnerability and it is a basic human instinct to not want to be vulnerable to any form of aggression. As we become comfortable with others we are apt to disclose more with them because we have a level of trust that eases the mind form fear of relation.
Personally I have viewed myself as being a person that discloses quite a bit and at times have even caught myself thinking that I probably disclose more than I should. However, how can one have the perception that they put all their cards on the table when they do not have a grasp on personal identity? I cannot praise physical activity enough. In March of 2009 I was heading back from the last day of Ultra Music Festival 11 in Miami, Florida. It was at this point that I was still obese, but in denial. As the cab pulled up to the Hotel the cab driver gave me his card before asking for payment. The man was a Haitian wellness advocate and he said, "I want you to take this card and every time you look at it think of exercising three to four times a week." Of course I felt insulted because someone had just called me out about being fat, but reality is not always pleasant. I do not know why it took more than a year for me to decide I needed to do something about my physical condition, but as I was walking off the track after a run a couple days ago and I thought of the words from this cabbie and smiled. My peers view me as being a little insane for putting myself through the physical stress of exercise, but I cannot begin to list all the benefits that have came from this insanity. I feel great for starters. My brain is firing on more cylinders than I knew existed, and I have stopped doing mental gymnastics to accept my surroundings.
I cannot stand before you and say that I have figured out exactly what I want and who I am. Self-discovery is a process, but strides have been made. I no longer feel the need to impress others or feel like I am part of some untangle competition to be viewed in a positive light. Material possessions no longer rule my emotions and I do not need to go out and spend money to try and fill the metaphorical sink hole that was my previous emotional state. What I am trying to say here is that I was lost in a paradox. My ability to live in a blissful state of mind was a direct reflection of how I thought others perceived me. At the same time I was searching for ways to please myself by pleasing others and always putting myself last. Now this perception has surfaced as a falsehood and I shall continue my search for who I really am. What I do know is that as today I stand before you and say I know we must not be selfish or think that everyone else comes second; but at the same time we cannot put everyone else first and neglect the our own needs.
Let me introduce myself. I am Darin Mellor and I am learning to love life and appreciate the small aspects in this world I have taken for granted for far too long. My head is no longer looking over my shoulder trying relive the past. The future does not daunt me because the variables of the present will facilitate what the hands of time plan to reveal down the road. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction; and almost everything in life is based upon a choice, decision, action or inaction. Now I know that I value people and the relationships I have with them; and an inventory of our material possessions have been cast away. My hope in humanity and the human spirit has been revitalized. No longer do I chase pipe dreams of success because I am already successful, but my failure comes in this recognition. My goals are simple versus being complex. I plan to live an enjoyable life and know that I have contributed to improving not only the lives of others, but also improving my own. May the seas be calm and may I have the motivation and perseverance to continue to find out what is really important. And most importantly may I have the strength not to backpedal and keep being honest to everyone, including me.
(Thank you all for your patience in waiting for my next posting. I want to make sure that each and every post is meaningful and offers some insight into how we can all improve our situations. As, always I encourage you to provide feedback on my postings, but as I have stated today I do not need recognition to feel at ease. I look forward to posting again soon and may all of you continue to see the silver lining in this wonderful marathon we see as life.)
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