Have you ever found yourself going through the same mundane routine over and over again? Each week mirrors the last. I cannot tell you whether something happened one, two, three, or four weeks ago. The calendar's days are a blur and the pages of the months are turned over like those being read by an enthused reader who has found a title that they just cannot put down. Where has 2010 gone? For that matter why did I take 2007, 2008, and 2009 for granted? I see people talking about wanting fast forward life and it blows my mind. I must admit that I wanted to speed things up and hurry towards more promising days, but here I am going on two and one-half decades this December wishing I was living in yesteryear.
I am evolving into an optimist. I am giving without expectation. I am grateful for the positive things in my life and doing my best at ignoring the negative. Yes, I go on crusades and I may not fight all the right battles; but I know that I cannot look back and say I wish I would have fought harder. People question my concern over things that seem petty to them. There may not be a large monetary value attached to each battle, but what about principle? Why can we not stand up, dig in, and resist what we see as unethical? Why is everything starting to look more and more like a paradox?
I was told by a wise colleague that by exercising and being an optimist my brain is rewiring itself and these moments of helplessness or hopelessness are my body and brain fighting my swim upstream. No one ever said that swimming upstream of shaving against the grain was pleasant. I never held a desire for accomplishments to come with ease. The greatest victories in life are those that we put blood, sweat, tears, fears, heart, and soul into seeing it through. Believe me it hurts to be apathetic and only care about how others perceive the self. Before I went on a spending halt I used to fill an empty void with gadgets, luxuries, and other trinkets. Now I am questioning whether or not I need to buy another pair of snow tires for my all-wheel-drive car with a very rough winter in the forecast. I better make up my mind on that one soon. What is a need? To some the word need is incomprehensible and use such words as huge, best, etc. in describing their desires. When you need something does it have to be the best? The only aspects of my life that I want to be the best are my soul mate and to be the best person I can possibly be.
I will continue uphill and when I stumble I will not start thinking of the easy way out of throwing aside concern. I am ready to take on this challenge that I see as being a minority, (and optimist in a very apathetic or pessimistic world). Today is coming to a close and tomorrow I will wake up with renewed hope because even in this grand illusion that everyday is exactly like the last; there are moments that need to be amplified to fight a never-ending battle to be free of displeasure.
I found myself thinking about how fast this year went and where my past has led me. It's pretty crazy how few people understand strong moral conviction about anything, from religion and government to the very way the toilet paper hangs off the roll. It's not "common" to feel any certain way about an issue much less to publicly talk about it, unless it is near universally up for debate (like Gay Rights, Federal Reserve Audits, or the Drug War (Limited to marijuana), all issues where the Federal Government's stance differs from current public opinion). My convictions have ironically opened up my mind and I realize that freedom of thought allows for the unusual ideas that create a diverse, strong, and innovative community that neither tolerates nor embraces weird ideas, instead accepts them as they arrive and remembers them after they leave, stopping them only to ask questions and uphold justice.
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