Reflection, More Than a Mirror Image

Last night I sat down with a good friend and had a deep talk about life to give them an inside look as to where I am coming from and what has shaped me into the person I am today.  It is my strong belief that we are all essentially the same; trying to achieve the similar goals; and desire fulfillment in some form or another.  What happens when we have identity issues as to where we do not know what we really want or who we really are?  

After my long and deep discussion about the struggles, which I like to call triumphs because I am still able to motivate myself to start each day with the best intentions, after having such experiences.  Have you ever noticed how the best dreams from which we do not want to wake are masked by the thoughts of the impending day?  Take it one step further and you are trailing behind my shadow.  Imagine your past.  Think of each up and down as that quintessential dream that is forgotten before it can be recalled.    


Welcome to my reality. When I try to go back in my memory to find out what has shaped my existence I am at a loss. Not holding such essential memories perpetuates my dilemma of searching for that lost dream(s) of when I thought I knew what I wanted in life and what type of man I yearned to be. 


What I do recall is a what should have been a pivotal point in my life during my sophomore year in high school.  I ended up punching a brick wall out of rage when a friend called me out on my obvious identity issues that I was facing, (even at that point in time).  The guy said in so many words that I had a set of emotional display rules and communication styles that would change depending on my audience.  This is great if I had the desire to be an up-and-coming actor. However, I want to be real and know what it is that I can plug into the equation of if I do X then I will be able to say that equals the notion that I lived the heck out of life with no regrets.


Now that my friend has helped me realize during our discussion that I went into a shell after being a sponge that absorbed the mirror image of my surroundings; I must reflect and find out how I can break free and genuinely reinvent myself.  It is my goal that through my main form of expression, which is writing, that I can take you along with me on this journey of self-affirmation.  I have made leaps and bounds improving my physical health and now it is time to start working mind and soul, not just body.