Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Portland- The Incredible Journey Part I

There are times when you need a vacation. I get that. And there are times when you think you are going to have to cancel vacation plans, but your friends, family, and peers beg you to go forth. Believe me I am thankful that I had those people push me towards escaping my routine. If I were to write a novel about how routine my life would be I am sure I could Go Green by being able to put it in a leaflet and hope people would take time time to drudge through the three to four hundred words that define consistency.  

On Monday, March 21, 2011 I boarded a plane towards Portland, Oregon and it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.  If you are a follower of my blog, (and I am grateful for each and every one of you), it has been said from time to time that I have got my poop in a group and took charge of my health.  There was some kernel of destiny wrapped up in this vacation because the three people I went to see are very active. I was able to spend quite a bit if time with Jonny, Sara, and Dave. I would have love to have had the opportunity to see Allie, but we had conflicting plans.  I do not see the downside to not meeting up with my fourth friend. Now I have even more reasons to make a return visit to what is deemed P-Town. 

I must admit that my once-over of the weather forecast at Denver International Airport did not get me pumped up when I saw rain in the forecast everyday.  It is not a typical rain in Portland, it rains, but you don't really grow weary of it.  I have a notion that it has to do with how illuminated the scenery becomes with the slightest kisses of ultra violet light.  


Staying put was short lived. I think I was on the ground for just over an hour before plans to show me the area were set in motion.  Most people hop in cars and drive to a scenic place.  P-Town has AMAZING bike trails, and bike lanes.  Jonny and Dave made some adjustments to a road bike they had for me to use and we were off.  Before I knew it we were five miles across town and began hiking up Powell Butte, which is a pretty good 614 ft butte that has a beautiful trail leading up to the top. Here are a couple photos of Dave and Jonny as we began our climb. 









Dave posing for the hike.
Jonny evaluating the trail
Once we made it to the top words cannot describe how awesome of a feeling that came over me. During the climb I kept wondering when the trial would end, but there was something that kept driving me keep on moving forward. I knew that the further I went the more I would appreciate my accomplishment.  Dave and Jonny both told me that they knew it was worth the effort and I would be pleased when I came to realize what goes up must come down. Going down was amazing! Did I mention this is the first time I have ever piloted a Road Bike? I think that I might be in love and my Mountain Bike might be finding a new home. 

When we got to the top we saw this:  


It may not look like much but that is overlooking part of the city and we climbed that baby pretty swiftly.  Next we hopped on those bikes and soared down the paved trails to the bottom of the butte.  There were times when we had to be going in excess of 35 miles per hour down the slopes. We were not only coasting, but we also pumped the pedals. Jonny probably hit those top speeds, while I used caution because of the unfamiliar territory, and Dave played it safe with only one working break that needed adjusting when we returned home.  


This was day one of an amazing experience I cannot wait to post the pictures of some amazing nature, landscapes, and areas that made me repeat the phrase, "This is awesome!," like a bumbling idiot.  Looking at the pictures below; ask yourself if the guy on the top could have enjoyed such a physically demanding, but spiritually rewarding getaway? I will leave you with said pictures until tomorrow when more will be available.




I can't find any pictures of me when I was bigger, but I was a hefty boy in 2010
Here is a picture of me standing atop Multnomah Falls, which is the second highest year-round waterfall in the nation.



Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Bold Way to Learn

This year I have made a great deal of progress in improving my physical health, which is a continuation of one of my New Years Resolutions of being healthy in mind, body, and soul.  Four to five times a week you will find me at the gym. I have found this is my sanctuary where all the petty problems in the world are ambiguous. If I could only stay there for more than two to three hours per sitting I would have my own little piece of heaven. Another resolution that I made was to post more on my blog.  My apologies for not keeping my word on that, but physical exertion has proven to be the optimum outlet for the stresses in my life. Just because I have slipped, had a failed attempt does not mean I shall cease to push forward. It does not take an expert to know that the mind, body, and soul are linked together as one and codependent upon each other.

The Friday before Valentines day I wanted to be a bolder person and act instead of retreat. I went to take my phone in because it was making a lovely hissing noise filled with static. That day had not been one of the brightest because it was one where I had to give my car dealership a large sum of money to extend my service plan to 100,000 miles on my vehicle to continue having no cost maintenance. After the deal was done I felt invigorated to take my phone in for service and resolve another issue in one daring swoop.  


At the cellular store, when my name was called by a beautiful woman with reddish brown hair, I must admit I was not blown away by her beauty.  As hard as it is for me to believe I did not really notice how attractive she was until we started chatting it up. Over the years I have found that I have standards that are off the charts high and I will most likely end up old and alone if I do not settle or have a reality check of some sorts. We will save that for another posting. However, I remember talking with this cell support rep and she asked me for the phone number associated with the phone, the account password, and then our talk spun off in all different directions.  


I was shocked because I knew that she was into phones and the new technology that was heading the way of that particular wireless provider. The conversation just flowed so naturally and I do not recall the last time I had a free-flowing talk with a beautiful woman. I was smooth and even complimented her Emporio Armani Glasses, which she was really receptive to.  After our talk, the transaction of her informing me that a refurbished warranty replacement would be on its' way only took about thirty seconds. I glanced at my watch on the way out the door and noticed I our talk lasted about fifteen minutes.  Then the mind started plugging away and over thinking.  I thought to myself that I noticed that she would play with her hair and her necklace when I talked to her in a flirtatious manner. She also blushed when I complemented her glasses because it wasn't a stereotypical guy compliment consisting of: "Hey babe you're hot." 

My car rounded the corner just past the junction to head south on the highway that takes me home. A thought came over me that I had to try something to see if she is was interested. I swiftly changed over two lanes and exited to a retail store. I was inside and thought I knew I wanted to get her a little something and a Thank You card. Flowers? No. Chocolate around Valentines Day? No. Wine? Do I know if she drinks it and what kind does she like? No. So,I grabbed the card and was about the depart the store when I saw a coworker's wife and asked her about an epiphany that just came to me. I remembered those Emporio Armani Glasses and I thought I should get an Armani fragrance. She said that it sounded sweet so I headed over to the department store by her work.


I looked at Emporio Armani Diamonds at first and thought it was a win-win. However, it is always the best to get a woman's advice. I gave her a rundown of the situation and how I wanted to make a bold statement. I even threw myself a mini pity party and mentioned how nice guys finish last and that I didn't hope this would blow up in my face like Valentines Day 2006. - That was the day I bought this sorority that I was on a break with three dozen roses in an attempt to get back together after she had said she just needed more time over the course of a year.  It blew up in my face because after all that effort she decided it was time to be honest and tell me she had been seeing someone for a couple months.  I wonder why I am so timid and fear rejection... 

I was still dead set on the Armani theme and I asked to smell the Armani Code for Women. My senses told me that this was a bedazzling perfume and it was the one. Before the words could come to me the woman whom was helping me in cosmetics said it was perfect for a young modern woman.  I told her to ring me up and place it in a tasteful gift bag if she could.  It was nicely snuggled in a Marc Jacobs bag and I exited the store after filling out a card for her. In the card I wrote, "Here is a little token of my appreciation for someone else who appreciates the finer things in life as well." I signed it and place my phone number below my name. 


Do you want to know what a man feeling like a million bucks looks and feels like? Well, I was the closest thing to that on my trek to the cell phone store. I parked out front and left the car running with the stunningly bright blueish purple headlights beaming in the glass storefront.  I walked in and my heart was racing. I saw her standing behind the counter on hold with corporate tech support and the customer she was helping was standing there waiting for her provide a solution to his cellular woes. I waltzed up to the counter every so smoothly and set the bag down and said, "Here is a little something for the great customer service." She smiled from ear to ear and I exited. 


On the drive home I played it cool and waited to either receive a response or not hear a thing.  At this point in time I wish she would have not said a word or even thank you.  We will get to that in just a moment. As I completed the twenty minute commute home my phone alerted me of a text right when the garage door closed. It startled me and as I read it I became filled with joy.  She thanked me and said that I didn't have to do that. Also, she included it was the perfect perfume and asked how I knew which one to get her. Feeling like a Slick Rick, I let her know that we would have to discuss the answer to that over dinner of coffee. She accepted the prospect of my proposal and I called it a night. 


Long story short she said she didn't receive some of my texts, which I spaced out to not seem needy, even though I have been single going on seven years this Spring... I asked her outright if she was seeing anyone and if so I would back off because I am a gentleman. She said it was complicated, which should have been a red flag from the get go. Then I waited a couple days to hear back from her and shot myself in the foot.  I said something along the lines of her proving that nice guys finish last. This prompted her to tell me that it was her work phone and she hadn't worked in a couple days and said I was moving too fast for her liking. It is amazing what three messages over three days can do. 


To sum things up I was blown off. I was back in Somber Darin Mode. I would be telling a horrifically unbelievable lie if I said I was within eye shot of cloud nine. I learned that being timid will not help me find someone and being bold is a waste of time and money. I just hope that my vacation plans work out towards the end of March so I can get away from it all again. I hope that with this continuation of working out, writing, completing my degree, meditation, and spending the summer traveling will prove to help me fulfill my New Years Resolution of improving upon the whole package- Mind, Body, and Soul.  A great comedy to see that really woke me up and kind of pegs me for the teenager I was and the man I fight with today would be the main character in It's Kind of a Funny Story. Watch it and let me know if you can see past or present Darin within this character. The great thing about the film was that it showed the struggles of an analytical young man and how it is becoming increasingly hard for him to remember a time when he was happy and carefree. In the end it shows that there is hope and life is meant to be lived not regretted.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Reflection, More Than a Mirror Image

Last night I sat down with a good friend and had a deep talk about life to give them an inside look as to where I am coming from and what has shaped me into the person I am today.  It is my strong belief that we are all essentially the same; trying to achieve the similar goals; and desire fulfillment in some form or another.  What happens when we have identity issues as to where we do not know what we really want or who we really are?  

After my long and deep discussion about the struggles, which I like to call triumphs because I am still able to motivate myself to start each day with the best intentions, after having such experiences.  Have you ever noticed how the best dreams from which we do not want to wake are masked by the thoughts of the impending day?  Take it one step further and you are trailing behind my shadow.  Imagine your past.  Think of each up and down as that quintessential dream that is forgotten before it can be recalled.    


Welcome to my reality. When I try to go back in my memory to find out what has shaped my existence I am at a loss. Not holding such essential memories perpetuates my dilemma of searching for that lost dream(s) of when I thought I knew what I wanted in life and what type of man I yearned to be. 


What I do recall is a what should have been a pivotal point in my life during my sophomore year in high school.  I ended up punching a brick wall out of rage when a friend called me out on my obvious identity issues that I was facing, (even at that point in time).  The guy said in so many words that I had a set of emotional display rules and communication styles that would change depending on my audience.  This is great if I had the desire to be an up-and-coming actor. However, I want to be real and know what it is that I can plug into the equation of if I do X then I will be able to say that equals the notion that I lived the heck out of life with no regrets.


Now that my friend has helped me realize during our discussion that I went into a shell after being a sponge that absorbed the mirror image of my surroundings; I must reflect and find out how I can break free and genuinely reinvent myself.  It is my goal that through my main form of expression, which is writing, that I can take you along with me on this journey of self-affirmation.  I have made leaps and bounds improving my physical health and now it is time to start working mind and soul, not just body.

Friday, December 31, 2010

End Day 365. Begin Day One.

This is the time of year that we call upon the consciousness to decide where we feel we have been successful, but moreover where we need improvement.  I have not wrote since Thanksgiving for reasons out of my control, but I shall not go off on a tangent. The hours, minutes, and seconds of this day, year, and decade are the final grains of salt filtering through an egg timer. Last time I wrote I asked us to be thankful and show gratitude through giving; now it is time to take that a step further. Search Amazon.com for nike under armour
 

As I mentioned it is the point in time where we all take a step back to find opportunities for improvement in the year to come.  The obvious would be that I will not only continue to improve my physical health, but also dive into improving my mental and spiritual health. It is extremely hard to ask the question of what places me in solitude when the answer is vividly apparent.  There is an inn rbattle of man versus self. How can I appreciate, love, cherish, empathize, support, and know anyone else if I cannot do any of those the above for myself?
 
The question has always been apparent, but the answers, or journey to the answers have fallen victim of subconscious avoidance.  So let's put all the cards on the table and work with the hand dealt.  What I appreciate about myself is that I know that I am a caring person to the extent that I find myself on the verge of tears when I do something really special for another, (or even witness such an act). This is not something I want to lose, but it will slip away if I keep hollowing my core. Another quality I appreciate is my sense of humor that escapes when I least expect it, but I need to quit placing a great deal of focus on suppression and roll with the punches. As I continue to work on these resolutions it is my greatest hope that the other aspects leading to improvement will fall into place.
In two days I find out how whether that river card is an Ace of Spades or a 2 of another suit. Whether I get the royal flush with a clean bill of health or not I am not going to give up. I am going to persevere and I am going to live each day like it is my last. Part of self-improvement is calling oneself out on flaws and following up with a solution. Simply shining light on a pitfall leads to self-pity and sour moods; follow through is needed. Writing is a great way to express feelings, thoughts, emotions, and discover more about the self. 
 
Another step I am taking in the right direction is a vow of celibacy and a vow of avoiding self gratification. This is not purely sexual, but I need to learn how to be truly pleased and comfortable with what I have and who I am.  Cheap thrills are no longer going to cut it and I must find a more constructive way to enlightenment. Starting three days ago, I took a 69 Day Vow to not have sexual relations; even in regards to simple and innocent things like flirtation. I have spent about seven years trying to fill a void and searching for my next relationship.  Searching is not the methodology, which will produce results.  I am going to drive women crazy because I am off the market completely for the next 66 days; and with my physical activity level going through the roof I can only imagine it will feed into their primal desire to want that which they cannot. 
 

In the spirit of saying goodbye to 2010 I welcome 2011. It is my final year of closing a chapter and starting anew. I also vow to follow the wisdom of Leonardo Da Vinci and sleep seven to eight hours a night.  There are too many precious hours in the day that I can spend sharing my thoughts with you, exercising, working on my studies, and spending time with my family and my loyal Bandit.  I look forward to making it a goal to post twice a month, then weekly, and then twice a week.  I almost typed out the sentence that I would really appreciate some feedback; but I am going to start on one of my resolutions of loving and appreciating myself.  My work is an extension of me so I will candidly say it is up to snuff.  I wave a melancholy goodbye to 2010 and welcome opportunity with open arms. Let's get men in 2011!

Friday, November 26, 2010

Gratitude is in the Air

Tonight I was following routine and I dropped by my local video store on the way home to exchange some online rentals with a couple new releases.  As I was approaching the checkout line I saw a lady and two younger girls looking at the BluRay display of the new Twilight movie that is hitting shelves in the near future.  I jokingly said, "Once you go blue you don't go back."  A vibe hit me that these ladies were not just fascinated by the picture quality that BluRay has to offer, but it was something that they wished they could have for themselves. 

As I stood in line and waited for my online movies to be checked in, a thought kept running through my mind.  I wanted to do something for these complete strangers.  Finally, right before the moment where the movies are handed to me and sent on my way; my heart started doing the thinking. 

I looked over at the mother and the two girls and asked them if they wanted a BluRay player.  Words cannot describe the expression of disbelief that was on their faces.  I kindly explained that I had one of the first BluRay players at home that I did not use since I purchased a Sony Play Station 3 to play my movies.  To illustrate that I was serious I went on to say that I did not use the device and it would be nice for someone to be able to enjoy it.  In order to not make them feel awkward I let them know I would drop it by the video store for them to pick up. 


Grinning from ear to ear, the woman thanked me and let me know that I had just made a single mother's holiday.  I really did not know what to say besides that I wanted to give without expectations and it would be my pleasure to bring joy to another.  I am going to plug in the BluRay player tonight, test it out, and find a couple BluRay Titles to give them to along with it.  Not only will they have a new movie watching experience, but also they will have a couple films to start their collection. The two women working at the video store counter were shocked by this as well and told the mother that it was the same price to rent BluRay as it was to rent DVD.  




About a year ago I used to get a rush spending money on over-the-top or big ticket items.  It made me feel worthy, powerful, unique, or some type of prestige to show myself that I could buy frivolous toys. Now I am in the spirit of giving.  Why would I possibly want to continue to give when my perception of the past tells me I have given so much with so little in return?  The answer is simple. It is my destiny and I cannot walk above the path upon which my feet were placed.  


With that being said I believe that I have come pretty far over a short period of time.  The saying that people will not change and cannot change unless they really want to is ever-so true.  Something inside of me didn't want to let go of the cynicism that shaped my reality.  I was jaded from what is beautiful and only saw the putrid.  My mind was on a warpath of trying to enhance my spiritual wealth through spending sprees. No longer do I do such foolish things. What I take from all of this is that truly being grateful, (which leads to true happiness), requires us to perform an act that retailers, corporations and individuals dread.  


Inventory, in order for us to have any hope of seeing the glass as half-full or being content in our own skin, we must do an inventory of what we have versus the mindless chasing of desirables.  I stand here and say I have: my health; family; a new outlook on life; and the possibilities are endless. Notice how I didn't mention any material items. It is my belief that when we evaluate our material items it puts us on the plane of dissatisfaction, where more is never enough.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Life a working title?

When reflecting upon the days sitting in composition classes I hear the echos of my educators' voices saying," Do not give your writing a title until you have finished your composition."  A title emerges from the words within.  With that I question whether life or our condition earns a title out of haste? Do we have a tendency to place a label on the present tense, (based on recent events), that inevitably decide our future? 

As I walk this path of life I see the current mood, demeanor, a recent interpersonal interaction, or almost anything under the sun places a title on our outlook.  It is impossible to say that we are immune to our environment.  As children some of us have the distant memories of an old childhood defense mechanism used in America, (I am rubber and you are glue).  It indicated that hurtful words or actions would bounce off of us and eventually stick to the instigator.  What happened to that easy way of letting what brings us sorrow roll off of our backs?  I know that when I was little I had quite a bit of toil when it came to being as elastic as I would have liked; but I do not recall holding a grudge. It hurt when someone put a label on me, but like a goldfish I would forget about it and be interested in joining the other kids in a game of soccer during recess.  

Bang! A shot goes off in a bright setting and the screen fades black.  That is the image of a hiccup that can ruin a day, week, or give us a preconceived notion that everything is not going to be moderately tolerable. 

I must admit I fell victim of my own circumstance last week when I was pulled over on my commute to work. I was going less than 5mph/8kph over the speed limit about 500ft/152m after passing the posted sign indicating a new speed zone.  The officer pulled me over after running my plates; and with the appearance and type of my vehicle he  saw that I was a rather young to be driving such a car. After running my plates he threw on his lights indicating I was his intended target. A warning was given for the speed and a ticket was issued for my window tinting being too dark for the the state's laws.  I explained I purchased the vehicle as is from the neighboring state, which has different laws, but this was no excuse.  The officer said that he was being nice and could have cited me for another ticket for the dealership putting license plate brackets on the vehicle that covered part of the plate.  

The point of all of that was I let it paint a label across my day. I let it put a title on my mood and how I viewed the time until its close.  Now that I look back upon it I cannot relive those hours, minutes, or seconds that I wasted with fury. However, I can learn from a bad experience and just flow with it.  Life is too short of a journey to let a title stick to you for any length of time if it is nothing short of an adjective for bliss.  Eat well, drink well, love well, think well, and you shall live well.  Regret nothing and focus on the now.  We can never get yesterday back so why not make today the best? As for now I am just calling it life and I will whisper a title to my loved ones with my last breath, until then now is all that matters.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Embrace or Dismiss?

There are quite a few aspects of my life I can apply the principle embracing or dismissing.  We are constantly faced with decisions where an affirmation is to embrace as negation is to dismiss.  Each choice, idea, task, or thought that comes our way we are faced with this inevitable crossroad.  People have told me that everything is a choice and I am on the fence of believing such a notion.  When I first moved back to the Omaha, Nebraska area I was attending a World Religions course where a Buddhist Monk came in to speak to us and answer questions we posed.  Out of all of the knowledge he passed on to the class one aspect stood out.  He mentioned the idea of the ripple effect and gave us a mental picture of the concept with the example of tossing a stone into a body of water.  What one may notice is that when this is done rings, (or ripples), spread from the point of impact and gradually become more faint as they expand, multiply, and spread. What we do not know is how far the ripples go and where they end.


What I took from this was that we might be able to see the short-term ramifications of our every thought, move, or deliberation.  A month ago I would be sitting here feeling great after putting more miles on my running shoes.  The choice I made after my senior year of high school to stop being physically active and eating healthy has resulted in a sensation of pain in the cartilage and one of the muscles or tendons in my right knee.  I had an operation on this knee when I was a sophomore in high school.  Gosh, I cannot believe that was almost eight years ago this month.  The doctor told me that my knee's lifespan depended upon my physical activity and weight.  When I went off to college I met barley and hops along with a poor diet that consisted of something I could cook in five minutes or be delivered.  My choice was to embrace a poor diet and dismiss physical activity.  Now I am having to dismiss my passion for running and embrace other forms of exercise to stay physically fit until my doctor can see what is wrong.  Other factors are weighed in as well and may not seem to be within our control.


For instance I have a research paper with a deadline that is approaching soon.  The rough draft was due this evening. I did not choose to embrace a stomach bug which disabled me to go to work or class; but I chose to dismiss research due to feeling tired and not wanting to put forth the effort to work on this project because of the toll being ill has had on my body.  

One thing that I need to welcome with open arms is friendship.  I stand before you saying that my only real friend lives 256 miles away from me and he and I rarely are able to chat depending on our busy schedules.  I made the choice to drown myself in work, school, and being a loner.  People trying to get close to me and tear down these defensive walls have asked me why I appear to be afraid to let anyone get close.  I dismissed the notion that it was fear at first, but now I am fearful because of uncertainty.  I am uncertain of who I am and what changed from the time I was a social butterfly at the University of Iowa to a shut-in living near Omaha, NE. This afternoon my mother and I were having a chat and she asked me if she was a bad person or what was wrong wit her because she has no friends. I candidly answered her and said that I am a mirror image of her and my father and to say I knew the answer to their dilemma would be to know the answer to my own.


I, like my parents, always receive compliments from others about being nice and approachable people.  One conclusion I came to today, which I shared with my mom, was that we are genuinely kind and giving people.  Our personality type is very rare.  We seemingly give without expectation. For the most we do actually give without expectation, but everything is finite.  I do have a great deal of admiration for my father because his giving is seemingly infinite.  Maybe he dismisses any return for his good deeds and I praise him for doing so.  As for my mother and I we embrace the idea that we should give to people, do favors, and be helpful to others without being asked.  A number of times this causes us to be taken for granted or taken advantage of.  There is the age old saying that if you let people take advantage of you, they will.  Here is where I think the two of us run into issues with friends and with the exception of my father, (in her case), lovers.  We are willing to give until we are almost bled dry, but we seemingly cannot dismiss the expectation that others should hold this quality as well.  Constantly, in my personal experience when I become frustrated for being taken advantage of the other person's argument is, "well if you wanted something all you had to do is ask."  To draw things back to my main point to not appear that I went off on crazy tangent.  Why must we dismiss the notion to do without being asked or obligated; and how can we learn to embrace the gifts of others with even the smallest token of gratitude?  When I can answer this question I will be one step closer in my long road to divinity. 




(I do appreciate the influx of comments that have started to emerge.  Feedback in any form even putting your own thoughts out there is a cherished gift.  I must apologize for not posting sooner, but due to school, a broken notebook, and life I hadn't the opportunity to share my thoughts and ideas with you.  I wish you all a Happy Halloween and may it be a day where we embrace our inner child we can dismiss all the forces that try to drag us down.)